New years resolutions

It seems like almost every year one of my new years resolutions is to lose weight. I must be one of millions to make such a resolution. Sometimes I've even kept it! But in the midst of having babies over the last few years, I've been up and down the scale several times.

I have PCOS and, among other frustrating symptoms, I gain weight. PCOS is one of those really great disorders that bashes you over the head, then kicks you when you're down. It causes everything from weight gain to infertility to excess body hair, male pattern baldness and acne. Gotta love a disorder that not only makes you question your place in the universe as a woman (if you can't have a baby), but also screws with your physical appearance. I'm one of the lucky ones, in that my symptoms are fairly mild and I don't have problems with some of the worst ones. I don't lose my hair, or grow much where I shouldn't. I have been able to have kids, although D was 2 1/2 years in the making. And I do struggle with my weight, but not to the extent a lot of my PCOS friends do.

I was a skinny teenager (oh for that body again!), but in my late teens I started gaining. I went years not knowing I had PCOS, and not understanding the reasons behind my weight gain; or why the things I tried to lose weight never worked. I didn't get the whole carb-insulin-weight connection. Once I figured that out, I was able to successfully lose weight. Early in 2004 I dropped 20lbs. Then I got pregnant with D and put on, well, way too much. I lost weight again after he was born, getting down to about 132-133 before getting pregnant with G. Of course, I did get pg again, and I can't seem to do pregnancy without gaining at least 50lbs. Bleh.

I'm still carrying around a good 20lbs that I don't need. I was doing pretty good losing weight, but I lost momentum a few months ago. I've maintained since then, which is good, but not good enough. It's tough, since I'm nursing and my body isn't excited about lowering my calorie intake, even a little. Because of nursing, I can eat quite a bit and lose, but it's this mental battle with myself all day long. Hunger is a powerful sensation; it's very hard to ignore. And when you're always slightly sleep deprived, it's that much harder. I find my level of motivation is directly correlated to the amount of sleep I get.

So here I am on yet another January 1st and I'm resolving to lose weight. But this year, my resolution has a bit of a twist. I resolve that next January 1st, my resolution WILL NOT be to lose weight.

My weight loss goal for this year - lose 20lbs by G's birthday in May.

That means I need to do a serious goodie purge tonight. There's so much chocolate in my house every PMSing woman in a 5 mile radius can probably sense it.