Friday, January 18, 2008

A moment of gratitude

Another friend of mine had a baby recently. I talked to her on the phone and she sounded so... peaceful. While it was probably the vicodin, I was left to imagine her holding her new little baby in her arms, softly stroking his hair, looking at his face and marveling at the wonder of new life.

Shortly after talking to her, I was sitting on the couch with my boys. D was playing with a couple of toys; his toy hippo deep in conversation with his elephant. G was on my lap, alternately watching his brother and reaching out to grab one of the assortment of baby toys I'd picked up and set within his reach. I had this wonderful moment of clarity. Not the first; there have been a number of times when the reality of my situation has hit me in similar ways. But I sat there looking at my children, thinking of my friend holding hers, and I felt nothing but pure, unadulterated gratitude.

That's something, coming from me, and it makes my heart a little warm that I was able to feel that and nothing else. I didn't feel a twinge of jealousy, nor a spark of envy. Even in the wake of my second pregnancy, achieved without the long trek through infertility, I'd grown used to feeling at least a teensy bit jealous of friends or acquaintances when they announced pregnancies or had their babies. But here I was, basking in the reflected glow of new motherhood, and all I could think was dammit if I'm not one of the luckiest chicks on this planet.

G still smells of baby, his head is soft under my chin. He's chubby as can be and feels amazing in my arms. D is possibly the most entertaining person I know; he never ceases to amaze me with the things that come out of his mouth. And between the two of them, I can't imagine loving anything more.

As cliche as it may be to label them such, they are my miracles. I look at them and I see pieces of myself, pieces of my husband and something entirely new. I tell you, God really knew what he was doing when he created us and this whole process of life. What better way to express to us His love, than to have us experience the amazement of having our own children. It absolutely takes my breath away.

They are such beautiful little beings and it humbles me to be trusted with their lives; to have their little souls in my care, if even for such a brief time as childhood. I'm so grateful for this gift, the gift of being a mother. So tonight I say a prayer for all mothers, that you may have the love and wisdom in your heart to raise your children well; and to all who wish to be mothers, that you are blessed with the children your hearts so long for.

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