Tuesday, January 8, 2008

A new life and a confession.

One of my oldest friends had a baby girl this morning. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. On the one hand, a baby is always a blessing, always a miracle. On the other, she's in an abusive marriage and this is her third child in just over three years. Her ties to her asshole of a husband grow tighter and tighter as time goes on. Adding another child to this marriage is SO not a good idea.

However, I would like to welcome little Charlotte Sue to the world (despite my loathing of her father).

Now for the confession part... Here goes. I'm a little jealous.

I want a daughter. There, I said it out loud.

Look, here's what I know:
I love my boys more than I ever could have imagined possible. You know in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," at the end where his heart grows three sizes and he's finally able to feel the true meaning of Christmas? I've experienced something akin to that, twice now. My heart has grown so huge I don't know how it could possibly be contained inside my chest (despite my enormous breastfeeding boobs).
I wouldn't trade either of my boys for anything in the world. If God came to me and said, "Ok, so you want a daughter; I can give you one, but you have to give one of your boys back," the answer would be a very quick, clear and loud NOOOOOOOOO! They are my babies and I adore them.
I believe we have the children we were meant to have. If I have a third child (likely) and that child is another boy (also seems likely), I know I will love him just as much as I love my first two and I wouldn't trade him for anything either.

So this isn't a case of I had a boy, decided to try again hoping for a girl, had another boy who wasn't good enough for me, so I need to try again for that girl. We wanted another CHILD, regardless of gender and that goes for trying for a third as well. And like I said, I wouldn't trade G for anything. He's amazing.

Although I know I won't regret having a third boy, there's a part of me that wishes for the things that go with having a daughter. I have a great relationship with my mom and I've always hoped to experience the other end of that with my own daughter. And what can I say, I love Barbies and baby dolls and princess dress up and tea parties. A lot of it is the superficial stuff, like decorating a room with lavendar or pink and dressing her up in pretty outfits for the holidays; doing her hair in braids with pink ribbons. And thinking ahead to things like getting a first Communion dress, ballet lessons, taking her to the latest tween girly movie... being the mother of the bride. Those are things I have to admit, I long for.

I've been through infertility and I haven't forgotten. I'm more than grateful for my children and I love them dearly. Believe me when I say, more than anything I want an easy conception, a smooth pregnancy and, above all, a healthy child. If God has another boy in store for me, then you know what, it will rock. I'll be the cool boy mommy who gets dirty, knows all about transformers and ninja turtles, and takes the boys out to ride four wheelers in the mud. I look forward to being the cool mom their friends all dig because I make them awesome chocolate chip cookies when they come over after football practice. And there is something pretty special about having brothers. I'll embrace it and love it and it will be great.

But, for now, while I'm dreaming about what God has in store for me, I'm longing for a daughter someday. My boys are the best and I love them. It isn't that they aren't enough for me. But with the thought of another baby someday, it makes me wonder if I'll get to experience those special things that mommies of girls get to do.

1 comment:

you want me said...

Nobody who knows you would ever get the impression you'd trade either boy for a girl, but they're also not going to miss the fact you'd be a great mom to a girl. I hope you get to experience both sides of the coin.

((hug)) I get what you're saying.