Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Damn skinny bitches

That's a mean title. The woman I'm thinking of is actually a very nice gal.

But she just had a baby, like a month ago, and I saw her today clearly wearing her prepregnancy jeans, with a cute little t-shirt tucked in. TUCKED IN. And she looked fabulous.

Here's where I get whiney. Why do some women look like THAT after having a baby, and fifteen months later I'm still carrying around at least 20lbs that I shouldn't have gained in the first place? COME ON. I tried so hard not to gain too much weight while I was pg last time, but apparently that's impossible for me. I gained over 50lbs both times, despite doing much better the second time of staying active and eating well. WTF? Seriously, what do I have to do to not gain a gazillion pounds when I'm pregnant?

And although I gained a lot of weight, for a long time I didn't worry too much about it. After all, I had great success losing weight before my last pregnancy. I was down in the low 130s, which is a pretty good range for me. I looked damn good, if I do say so myself. So I figured, I know how to lose weight, I can do it again.

Apparently I'm doing something wrong.

I actually weigh about 10lbs more than I did at the beginning of the year. Stupid blog posts. I wrote down my weight in an early post this year, and yep - I weighed 148.8 I think, and now I'm rocking about 156-157. And I have been for MONTHS. I keep trying to do what I did when I lost weight before, but apparently I'm not getting it right.

No, I'm not logging every bite of food that goes in my mouth, which I did before. I'd hoped that keeping rough track of my calories per meal would suffice. If I'm aiming for 1600 calories per day and I spread it out over my three meals and couple snacks, that should work out right? I guess not. Either that or I'm going over too often and not really realizing it. The whole, oh this one day won't hurt, or this one treat isn't a big deal. The food log takes care of that, if I do it accurately, so maybe that's where I'm missing the boat.

I'm frustrated that I have to be nothing less than perfect to lose even an ounce of weight. Thank you PCOS for that one. It's hard to be perfect when you're busy with two small children and have a husband who is notorious for bringing home little treats, desserts and pizza for dinner. And I rarely do anything but give in.

I'm feeling a weight loss time crunch. We want to try for another baby next year; and if I know my husband, he'll be chomping at the bit about the time the New Year's Eve ball drops. But I don't really want to get pregnant at this weight. I don't even know if I could, given the love affair my hormones have with my fat cells. I wasn't this heavy when I got pg with David, although in all fairness, my body composition must be better because I looked heavier then. But still. If I get pg at this weight and gain what is apparently my requisite 50lbs, I'm going to be huge. And it will be that much harder, and more depressing, when I go to lose weight again.

Yet I'm in this constant mental battle with myself over whether I should go balls to the wall and really cinch up my diet in order to drop the pounds, knowing I have just enough time to lose the weight I need before I go and get knocked up and gain it all back; or just live with it, try to lose a little, be a fatty preggo and deal with it all at once when all is said and done and my babymaking days are over.

I guess my biggest problem is just committing to it. It's hard and takes such mental discipline to do what I have to do to lose weight. I don't care what any diet book says - I have to be hungry most of the time in order to drop a pound. High protein, low protein, high carb, low carb, paleolithic, prehistoric, liquid, solid, whatever - there isn't a diet out there that would simultaneously keep me full and drop the fat. And that means I have to be committed to it day in and day out, and right now, that's harder than I thought it would be.

It's so hard to be motivated to lose weight when I feel like I'm just going to gain it all back again as soon as I hit my goal.

Oh, but this is assuming I can actually get pregnant in a reasonable amount of time again, and here's where I have to chuckle to myself. I'm one for two in the infertility department (one took 2 1/2 years, the other took one month), so I'm not too sure what to expect there. But I know I can't take anything for granted, and the logical part of me realizes losing weight now is an important step to insuring that I don't have to ride the infertility roller coaster again. Weight loss played an important role both times, so I know it's a big deal.

So why can't I just do what I need to do?

And why do I have to be around cute women who look freakishly good after having a baby?

Ok, evil green jealousy monster, you can leave now.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Wedding weirdness

My brother-in-law is getting married this coming January. He is my husband's younger half brother on his dad's side. Siblings get a little complicated in my husband's family, with all the half, step and former-step kids running around. In any case, he's also the brother of my sister-in-law who lives with us now (versus my husband's other sister, who is his half-sister on his mom's side... but I digress).

I'm completely weirded out right now because my BIL is not having my husband as a groomsman in his wedding. BIL's other brother (BIL's half brother on his mom's side - my husband and BIL share a dad, but different moms...) is in it, as well as a cousin from his mom's side, two of his old high school friends and his current "best friend" (I guess, aka drinking buddy) is his best man. His fiance has her sister, my SIL and three of her friends.

And, our son D is a ring bearer.

How do you have one brother in your wedding and not have the other? It isn't as if he's closer to his younger brother than he is to my husband; arguably he's closer to DH. Granted, my husband is quite a bit older (his younger brother is only about 4 years younger than my BIL), but still - my BIL and his fiance come up to hang out pretty often and he and my husband have both enjoyed creating a closer relationship as BIL has become an adult. I thought for sure my husband would be in the wedding. I seriously can't fathom why he wouldn't be.

Oh, and my BIL was a groomsman at our wedding when he was like 14.

Now, I don't think that you are required to reciprocate if you're in someone's wedding. But these guys are BROTHERS. Come on! I honestly do not understand. At first I thought maybe it's because he thought you're supposed to have single people in your wedding party, but two of his groomsmen (his high school friends) are married, so that can't be it. Then I thought maybe they already felt like they had too many people, but they only have five on each side - adding one more groomsman shouldn't be that big of a deal and I'm sure they could come up with another bridesmaid - a cousin, another friend, somebody. And besides, who is more important, the dude you like to throw back beers with, or your older brother? He has three friends in this wedding, and the cousin is more of a friend too.

And BIL's younger brother is in it!

I'm sorry, I've gotten to the point where I'm pretty upset. For a while I thought it was an oversight - that BIL assumed my husband knew he was in the wedding, so hadn't talked to him about it. But I asked his fiance who was in the wedding party and she listed everybody - five people on each side, and definitely didn't mention my husband.

Seriously, WTF?

And what do you say? My husband is fishing with him today (along with my FIL and D), but I have no idea if he's going to try to bring it up. I know he doesn't want to make his brother feel bad, but he's pretty hurt that he's being left out of such an important occassion.

I really, really hope it doesn't have anything to do with the big talk we had with him and his fiance last fall. She went through a big drama-fest where she got mad at FIL's wife and declared she wasn't going to go to their house anymore, even during the holidays. We tried to help her realize that if she's going to be a part of this family, she can't take a stance like that - the only person she's hurting is her fiance. It was a good discussion, I thought. We listened to her side, and told her how we feel (honestly, I probably did most of the talking); it was very nonconfrontational, I thought. But maybe she was just putting on a happy face for us and actually harbors a grudge about it. I wouldn't put it past her - but it seems like there would be more tension and weirdness since then if that were the case. I don't know. I just hope she didn't decide after that, that she didn't want my husband in her wedding anymore and convince BIL not to ask him. If she were mad enough, I wouldn't put something like that past her.

However, the more I think about it... she gets upset easily and blows things out of proportion, but she gets over it quickly too. The aforementioned incident with FIL's wife blew over and there weren't any issues when the holidays rolled around. She was there with the rest of us. So if she had harbored any resentment about the talk we had, it seems like it would have faded by now.

I'm at a loss. I wish there was a way I could find out why - did he just forget? Did he think my husband wouldn't want to? Does he have resentment or anger towards my husband that we don't know about? It's put a very sour taste in my mouth and at the very least, I just wish I knew why.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

My baby is walking

Step... step... step... wobble... step... step... wobble... step... step... wobble... uh oh.... boom!

G started geniunely walking yesterday. He'd walked a step or three for the last couple of days, but only a few times. Yesterday he made it across the room. As luck would have it, I wasn't home for the amazing feat :(. I was at my Bible study group and my sister-in-law was watching the boys. She said he was simply standing up, saw something a few feet away, and walked to it; she got all excited and he seemed to have no idea why she was clapping. My husband got home soon after and they had lots of fun getting him to walk to them - especially once he realized how cool it was and that they were clapping and cheering for him.

D doesn't always know how to handle it when he isn't the center of attention, plus he has a cold, so he spent a lot of time rolling around on the floor and babytalking. Stinker.

My husband called me and as soon as I answered he said, "Your baby can walk!" OMG! I almost cried. When I got home, he obliged and walked right to me on the first try, sticking out his tounge and smiling like he'd just conqured the world.

My life is about to get a whole new level of complicated.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A crazy thing happened to me

After the triathlon I had to go back to my mom's house (I had stayed the night there since she lives a lot closer) to pick up my stuff. They've recently done a huge lanscaping project and it included buying a new grill; ours recently died, so I offered to take the old one off their hands. Since I was there and had our truck with me, my stepdad loaded it up so I could haul it home.

I left shortly thereafter, exhausted and in need of a shower (lake water + sweat = gross). They live just a few miles from the freeway and all seemed fine until I took the left turn onto the freeway onramp. You can see where this is going...

The weird thing is, right before I got to that spot I had this very strong feeling that something bad was going to happen. It made me think about my fear of dying and leaving my kids without a mother. I suddenly had this horrible flash in my head of what it would be like if I got in an accident on the way home and died. I hate thinking like that, and usually I try to push those thoughts out of my head. I'm sure it's a common fear in mothers. But I felt nervous about the drive home suddenly and I prayed about it. I asked God to please not take me today; to guide me home to my family and keep me safe. That I love and miss them to please let me get home safely.

And then the grill fell out of the back of my truck.

I was stopped at the stoplight, so it wasn't as if I'd taken the turn too fast. The light turned green, I went and as I finished the corner, the top-heavy grill toppled over the side of the truck and landed with a sickening crunch on the ground - in the middle of the road. Thankfully it didn't hit someone, just the road - upsidedown and most certainly destroyed.

I panicked. Well, panic is probably a bit too dramatic, but I was instantly mortified and completely unsure of what on earth to do. I couldn't pull over where I was and there were people behind me trying to get on the freeway. So I kept going and called my husband. He didn't know what to tell me, and ended up unintentionally making it worse by asking me over and over, "Why did you keep going?!" like I'd left the scene of an accident. Finally I told him I'd call him back, pulled over and called my parents. My mom answered and when I told her (sobbing, I have to admit) that the grill fell out of the truck I think she about dropped the phone. She told my stepdad, and after explaining exactly where it had happened, he said he'd meet me there.

I had to go to the next exit and turn around, which took some time. By the time I got back to the scene of the grill debacle, someone had moved it out of the road. My stepdad called me back and told me to meet him at the Lowes parking lot, which was just past the freeway onramp.

He apologized up and down for not tying the grill down better. He never in a million years thought it would tip over like that. I felt like a kid again, crying into the arms of my stepdad. I think I was just too damned tired to handle the situation like a mature adult. So I regressed into scared child running to her parents to save her.

The kicker of the whole thing though, is that when I got to Lowes (and dried my tears finally), my stepdad said, "Ok, let's go shopping." He bought me a new freaking grill. And he must have felt really, really bad because it's a nice one too! I told him over and over that he didn't have to do that, but he insisted. When I called my husband back and told him what I was bringing home he couldn't believe it. When our grill went kaput it felt like one more thing added to the list of expenses - we really didn't know how or when we'd be able to afford a new one. And now suddenly, there's one on our back patio.

Maybe this is the part where I read too much into the situation, but I can't get over the feeling that something bad was going to happen to me on that drive home, but knocking that grill out of the truck kept me from being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Who knows; maybe my feeling of dread was tied to a little premonition that the grill was going to do a header out the back. But maybe, just maybe, that was God's way of keeping me out of harms way. Obviously I'll never know, but I appreciate it just the same. I could have lived without the whole mess and I'm still nervous that someone wrote down my license plate or something and I'll get in trouble for driving away. But I did get a new grill out of the deal, so it couldn't have been *that* bad, right? LOL.

My stepdad sent me an email asking if I'd gotten the grill home ok. Then he said, "You came up to do a triathlon and went home with a new grill - all you had to do was swim 800 yards, bike 12 miles, run 3 miles and then ditch a grill out of the back of your truck on a freeway onramp. Not too bad for one day's work!"

Monday, August 18, 2008

A great day for a triathlon

Yesterday's triathlon went beautifully. My time wasn't anything to write home about, but it was right about where I thought I'd be, given my lack of any serious training. In fact, as I was thinking about it this morning, it's rather remarkable I did as well as I did. Two years ago when I was training for the same event I was working out 6 times a week at least. I was running twice a week, doing speedwork and long runs. I was swimming twice a week as well, going for long bike rides on the weekends and in the weeks prior to the race, hitting it hard with brick workouts (biking about 10 miles, followed by a 1.5-2 mile run). This time, not so much. I've been running a couple times a week, most weeks, but no speedwork and my longest runs have been 4 miles, not 5 or 6. I literally hadn't been back on my bike since the last race I did 6 weeks ago, I've been in the pool only a handful of times, and I haven't done a single brick. Granted, my fitness level is obviously still pretty good, and I do classes at the gym once or twice a week. But still. I don't feel like I specifically "trained" this year and yet I was still able to complete this race, and only about 9 minutes slower than last time. Not too shabby, I have to say.

The race started off on a great note with the swim, if you can believe it. In the last event, I HATED the open water swim. I was miserable the entire 400 yards and just wanted it to be over. This one was twice the distance - 800 yards which is about half a mile. It looks like an eternity from in the water, let me tell you. But I've done it before, and I've concentrated my swimming workouts not on getting faster or improving technique, but in preparing myself to be in open water. I've been swimming with my eyes closed to simulate the lack of visibility and did a practice open water swim to help get my confidence back. It worked! I had a great time out there. My time was abysmal - it took me over 30 minutes, when I'm fully capable of doing that distance in 20 - but that's ok. I took it easy, took breaks on my back when I needed to, and just swam it on in. I didn't get freaked about being in the lake, I was able to get to it and actually swim, rather than that crappy half-assed kicking/side stroke thing I tried to do at my last race. So although it took me forever and a day to get through it (LOL), I didn't hate it and that was my number one goal for this race.

The bike leg was the most fun. The course is awesome - it goes along the lake and then over a floating bridge (it's a freeway, but they close the express lanes for us to ride on). The view is awesome, the weather was great and it was a really enjoyable ride. It seemed a lot easier than I remembered it, somehow. I think the bike I have now is a big part of that. I'm riding an actual road bike instead of my modified mountain bike. What a difference skinny tires make! I had an awesome bike ride, and my time was great too - helped offset that slow swim ;).

Coming in from the bike, I realized I had to pee - badly. There were porta-potties near the run start, so I decided to take the time to stop and pee. Boy am I glad I did. Remember that scene in Austin Powers when he pees for like 5 minutes? That's what it felt like. I swear, I don't swallow water when I'm swimming, but it must soak in my skin through osmosis. I always have to pee like a racehorse when I'm done swimming. After that I felt much better - well worth the extra minute or two it added to my transition time.

My run was good - not very fast, but I felt strong and I ran the whole thing minus the big hill. The run course is nice, winding along the lake and it's largely flat. There is one hill that is quite steep. Almost everyone around me was walking up it. I walked it (I walked it last time too). The cool thing is there's always a group of dudes playing drums at the bottom. Very cool motivation. I thanked them for being there as I passed.

There's this one spot on the run course that is probably my favorite. You have a view out over the lake and can see the I-90 bridge going across, which is what we'd biked over. It looks really far away and makes you feel like you did something pretty spectacular, to know that just a little while ago you were way over there, and now you're here, about to finish this huge event.

The weather turned out great too. Saturday it was in the mid-90s. That would have been utterly miserable. Sunday it cooled down, and although it could have been cooler and was a bit humid, it was nothing compared to the day before and ended up being pretty nice weather for a race. A woman on the run leg kept yelling out, "It's a great day for a triathlon, ladies!"

Overall, that was probably the most enjoyable race I've done so far. I had fun the entire time, not wondering what I'd gotten myself into or focusing so much on where the heck is that finish line, LOL. My last race was tough and left me feeling like the best reason to do it is for the afterglow. This one made me glow at every turn. I was almost teary several times throughout the race, thinking of where I was, what I was doing. How many people out there will never feel that thrill, because they can't, or because they don't think they could.

I am glad it's over though; I've been feeling a little raced out, even with just three events under my belt this year. But that was a good amount for me, at this time in my life. But I am SO glad I went ahead and did it. Over the last week I'd been wondering if doing this race was really worth it. It's huge, and the logistics can get complicated. But as I was out there, I remembered why I love it. There's something pretty special about being a part of an event that big, where everyone is cheering everyone else on. The energy is spectacular.

The finishers medal that I got says, "The woman who starts the TRI is not the same woman who finishes the TRI." It's very true. You can't come out on the other side of an event like that without changing, at least a little. It teaches you something about yourself, about what you're capable of.

If I wasn't hoping to be pregnant this time next year, I'd be planning on doing this race again. I'll have to shoot for it in 2010.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Another TRI a'coming

I have a race on Sunday, probably my last this year. I'm really, really ready for it to be over. I'm not stressing about the race per se; but I haven't trained for it as hard as I probably should have, and so each day I'm plagued with a small amount of self-guilt for what I should have done. "Definitely should bike this weekened.... Ok didn't bike, but I'll bike next weekend... Ok, didn't again, but someday I'll bike..." I'm worn out by constantly feeling like I should be doing more than I am, even though I know I'm in good enough shape to finish the race and that's all I'm trying to do. But still... the "I should be doing more" feeling is one I'll be happy to put away for a while.

It's a high maintenance race though, because it's so big. I believe there are about 5500 participants - that's a lot of chicks in spandex. We have to pick up our race packet and rack our bikes at the park on Saturday; and of course, those two things happen at totally different places. Different cities in fact, and neither particularly close to where I live. Anyway, bottom line is that after I put G down for his nap on Saturday, I'll be heading to my mom's house (she lives closer) and won't be back until Sunday after the race, officially making this the first time I've left G overnight. Granted, it's with Daddy, but still - a milestone of sorts. Except for the fact that I'll have to get up early to get to the race site, I just may get a pretty good night's sleep!

I'll be breathing a sigh of relief on Sunday when it's done. I feel like I can relax a bit - try some new classes at the gym, not worry about whether I'm running or swimming enough, and stop feeling guilty for almost never touching my bike.

In the meantime, I'm visualizing having a good open water swim. It's 800 yards, which is almost 1/2 a mile - that's a long freaking swim in a huge ass lake.

Think good thoughts for me on Sunday! I'd like to have a good swim (regardless of my time) and finish strong - and most of all have fun (and not melt in the heat - it might be a scorcher).

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Buying a new dress

I have a wedding to go to on Sunday and I really needed a new dress to wear. I have a great dress I bought a couple of years ago for just such an occassion, but said dress was purchased just a few months before I got pregnant with G - in other words, when I was 20lbs lighter than I am right now. Cute as it is, it isn't going to work these days. I have another dress in my closet that does fit right now, but it's not really wedding appropriate. It's more of a night out for a great dinner and tickets to the symphony kind of dress.

As an aside, am I the only one who's closet is filled with clothing of varying sizes categorized by such labels as "Too small, but likely to fit again soon," and "Too big, but saving for after the next kid is born," and "Too small and saving in the hopes that I'll squeeze back into it someday, by which time it will probably be too outdated to actually wear." Just wondering.

Anyway, I went out yesterday to find a new dress. Now, first off, it was simply heavenly to be at the mall, walking around, browsing through clothes... all with NO KIDS! No bulky stroller, no one whining for a snack, or that they're bored, or throwing fish crackers onto the floor causing me to run over them, or grabbing at everything within reach and pulling it off the hangers. Ahh, the sweet relief of solo shopping!

It was, however, far more difficult than I imagined to find a dress. Seems like a simple enough thing, to find a nice dress appropriate for an early evening wedding. Lots of stores carry dresses, right? Not really. Granted, I live in a small city, so the mall isn't much to get excited about. But there are a few big department stores and a range of other shops, some of which carry women's clothing, so I thought I'd have a decent selection to choose from. Not so much.

I started at Macy's, and really should have just stayed there. But of course, being the weirdo shopper that I am, I have to see EVERYTHING before I can make a decision. Overthink, much? So I found some cute options at Macy's, but had to venture further to see what the competition might be. I was amazed at how few stores carry dresses. Skirts, sure, but dresses were hard to find. Some stores had one or two, but nothing to get excited about. And the mall here seems to have a huge abundance of stores that I'm just too old for anymore. Not that said stores carry dresses anyway, but I felt like a huge dork wandering through stores that basically carry juniors stuff. I'm not 19 anymore, and I don't want to be one of those women trying to dress like I am. Granted, I don't want to go the other direction either and end up in frump-land. I tell you, shopping in your 30s can be hard - you're faced with stuff that is either too young (and would make you look trashy or just lame) or clothes that would look very nice on my mom, but too old on me. And my mom is a nice dresser, but I don't really want to dress like I'm in my 50s, thank you very much.

After wandering the mall a bit, I wound up back at Macy's and finally found a winner. It's brown with a cream paisley design on it; sleeveless and fitted at the top, with plenty of room for my still-too-large boobs (come on, aren't they supposed to get smaller again?), fitted at the waist right around the rib cage, and flowing down from there. See, I watch my "What Not To Wear" - thank you Stacy and Clinton for some good style tips! I wasn't really looking for brown, but the fit was good and I think the shape is really flattering on me. Hides my baby-flab tummy pretty well. Plus, it isn't black, which is a good thing - I tend to end up with black a lot.

So there you have it - a new dress. I also found some cute, and quite cheap, shoes at Payless. The dress wasn't exactly cheap, despite being on sale, so spendy shoes were out of the question. Now I think I need to find a necklace to go with it - something with blue in it, I think, to add some color to this outfit.