Thursday, March 27, 2008

Weight ramblings

I'm struggling right now with a mix of emotions and thoughts about my weight. I started the year determined to lose the last of the baby weight by G's birthday in May. I had about 15lbs left to lose to get me close enough to my pre-pg weight (especially accounting for my enormous BFing boobs) and figured I'd be able to shed it with my regular workout schedule and a little more attention to my diet. Not so much. My body does not seem to want to shed this last weight, and I highly suspect it's due to nursing. So I'm trying to be ok with holding onto this weight until G is done with the boobies.

Emphasis on the word "trying".

It isn't that I'm extremely overweight. I've been quite a bit heavier before. I don't look terrible. But still. I can't help but feel discouraged. I'm so sick and tired of thinking about my weight and what I eat. I wonder if this semi-preoccupation with sugar, carbs and fat is ever going to go away. Will I ever be able to let my guard down and just eat like a normal person?

I got pregnant with G literally two weeks after completing the Danskin Triathlon. I was in the best shape I've ever been in, and was at a healthy 132lbs. I felt great, I looked great - good stuff. But going from that to pregnant so quickly was more difficult than I'd imagined it would be. Suddenly my strong body was tired. I felt the tugs, pulls and cramps of early pregnancy and I certainly couldn't keep up with my former workout schedule. The progress I'd worked so hard to attain slowly but surely melted away as my belly grew.

Not that it wasn't worth it! The fact that we got pregnant so quickly the second time around is still a little unbelievable to me, almost a year later. And I couldn't possibly love G more. But taken in and of itself, my experience with losing weight and getting in shape only to lose it all during my pregnancy has been really disheartening. Despite staying active throughout my pregnancy and trying to eat well, I still gained over 50lbs. At this point I assume that's just how my body does pregnancy; I certainly treated it differently each time, but gained too much weight no matter what I did.

I struggle between feelings of not wanting to bother to lose anymore weight, since I know I'm going to get pregnant again and not wanting to get pregnant again at this weight. My second pregnancy was certainly more comfortable than my first, and at least part of that can be attributed to my weight. Plus, I looked a heck of a lot cuter when pregnant with G! And given my fertility issues due to PCOS, there's a threshold at which I simply won't be able to get pregnant. The last thing I want is another bout of infertility and I know being at a healthy weight will do wonders to make my ovaries behave.

But at the same time, the thought of fighting the good fight until I shed this weight, then gaining it all back again with the next baby, only to have to shed the same pounds once more is so depressing. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I eat sugar, tired of mentally calculating the caloric impact of each thing I eat, tired of screwing it up halfway through the day with a momentary lapse of willpower and giving up on the whole thing until tomorrow.

I've been trying to lose weight, or at least feeling like I should be trying to lose weight, since my late teens. For a brief moment, I was there, I had it. I was at a good weight and in good shape. I tried on clothes I'd been saving for years and not only did they fit, they were too big; I liked the way I looked in pictures and didn't do a double take when I caught my reflection, wondering who that chubby girl was. And in a moment, it was gone. Now I'm back somewhere in the midst of the swamps of sadness (remember the Neverending Story? good flick!), slogging through the mud once again. And with the prospect of another baby in my future at some point, I'm going to have to slog through it all over again, no matter what I do now.

And to make things worse, I'm annoyed with myself for caring. I'm annoyed that I can't do what I keep telling people I'm doing and letting it go, not worrying about the weight while I'm nursing and trusting that I'll be able to lose it fairly quickly once we're done. I wish I could just accept how I look right now, not worry too much about whether the weight comes off now or later and accept the fact that it's going to be a while before my babymaking and nursing days are over for good. I need to stop looking ahead so far because one day I'm going to wake up and realize my kids aren't babies anymore and there aren't any more babies for us to have.

I do, however, have a more practical consideration with regards to my weight - whether or not I'll be able to stuff myself into my wetsuit for my tri in August! YIKES!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

A little bummed on Easter... or sibling drama

Our Easter gathering left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It's a long story, but heck, I'm long winded, so what's new?

The first thing that got me was my sister. She's 20, lives about 4 hours from me (in the same college town where I lived during that time in my life, although she currently isn't enrolled in school), and I almost never see or talk to her. I saw her at Christmas, but haven't talked to her since. Being 10 years younger, we didn't really grow up together and she's spent a lot of energy trying to not be me; in other words, we're not close and she's about as different from me as she can manage.

We were late going to my mom's for dinner because we were waiting for G to wake up from his nap. My mom called me at one point to ask when we'd be there and told me my sis was there but "just stopping by on her way out of town". So on Easter Sunday she's going to "stop by", but not stay for dinner? Turns out she's driving to California with a friend (has no money, but that's a whole other story) and the decided they could stop and say hi. Oh how nice of you (can you tell I'm being sarcastic?) Anyway, my mom wanted to make sure we'd be there in time to catch my sister before they had to go. Because, you know, road tripping with your friend must be far more important than spending any time with your family who you never see on one of the most important holidays of the year.

She was still there when we showed up, but getting ready to leave. She looked awful; I swear, she doesn't eat. I don't know if she has a problem with eating or if she's just poor and doesn't spend a lot of money on food. She doesn't exactly look anorexic, but she's way too skinny. After a few hi's and hugs for my boys, she pretty much left. Nice seeing you sis.

Then, my brother. Oh, my brother... He's 27 and has been in the most lame relationship for the last three years. The other day he told my husband that they broke up. Woo hoo! We were all excited because finally he'd quit wasting his life on this girl. She's ok, not the worst person ever or something. But she's so not good for him and he's been wasting his time with her when two years ago he told me he knew their relationship wasn't going to last. I think he doesn't have the heart to break hers, so he's stayed with her. I can't blame it all on her, obviously, but his health has gone downhill since he's been with her and he just doesn't seem like himself. Not to mention, they have absolutely ZERO chemistry. If you didn't know them and saw them together you'd have no clue that they've been in a relationship for three years. They act like strangers.

Anyway, he said they weren't together and he said something to me about "just getting out of a three year relationship." But she showed up for Easter dinner at my moms. I don't know why, but that really took the wind out of my sails. Between my lame-ass anorexic looking sister (with way too much eye makeup to boot), and my brother who apparently can't seem to get himself out of a dead end relationship, I'm just bummed.

I wish I had a better relationship with my sister and I sure hope my brother cuts the ties with this girl and finally moves on. I think the latter is more likely than the former. But I guess like many things in life, we'll just have to see.

Doesn't help my mood that I know the PERFECT girl for my brother and I think she's kind of interested. Grrrrr!

Friday, March 21, 2008

You were right, Amy!

You CAN'T ever have enough strollers!

I picked up a STEAL on craigslist today - stroller #5 for my collection. Maybe we will see how many I can fit in my garage...

I saw this one on craigslist when I first started looking and emailed about it, but didn't hear back. I was seriously beginning to wonder if my email would actually send emails to craigslist posters. I emailed several people and never heard back from any of them. This one was reposted today, after being deleted earlier in the week. Apparently they'd had a few no-shows, so she was trying one last time to get rid of it.

Its an InStep double jogger, probably a few years old, and it needs some serious cleaning - but it will work. And I paid a grand total of $40! She told me she wanted to be rid of it fast, so she wasn't asking much for it. It's in great shape - a little worn, but in perfect working order. It's lighter than I thought it would be - I think it's lighter than my single jogger! All in all, a great find.

I have to admit, I'm usually not big on buying things used. Silly, probably, but it's just how I am. This time, however, I didn't have much choice in the matter. If I wanted a double jogger, I needed to get one used - I don't have the $200 for even the cheap models.

So there it is - another stroller. But I think I'll get a lot of use out of it.

And the best thing is, I paid so little, I don't even need to sell my single jogger to pay for it!

Friday, March 14, 2008

It's baaaaaack

My stroller obsession, that is.

I have a jogging stroller that I got two years ago. I actually put a lot of miles on it when I was training for my first triathlon. I have a love/hate relationship with the thing. It was great to be able to go out for a run, outside, on nice days with D. He might beg to differ. Actually, there were plenty of times he did great in it, but other times he'd whine so much I'd end the run feeling more frazzled than when I started.

Really, I prefer to run alone. It's a break, a chance not only to do something for my body, but for my mind and my soul as well. It's me time. We all need that.

However, from a practical standpoint, I'm beginning to wonder... do I need a double jogger? Don't you love that I said "need". LOL.

Yes, I did use my single jogger quite a bit. But it was never the ideal way to get in a run, so I'm torn over whether I should bother getting a double. Part of my problem back then was my inability to get D to go to the gym daycare. He goes now, happily. But (I'm going to say that word a lot), G still gets fussy there, so I'm limited to about 30 minutes or so. I'm not exactly what you'd call "fast" (I'm working on not calling myself slow), so I can't get in much mileage that way. My other option is evenings, and as the days get longer, that could work. But (there it is again), quite frankly I hate working out in the evenings. And that's when I usually work. I can also do longer runs on weekends, but as my bigger races get closer, it's going to be hard to get into good enough shape with a few 30 minute workouts during the week and one longer one on the weekend.

I guess it might just be nice if I go out for a run, outside, in my neighborhood, at 9am on a Tuesday.

Plus the time it takes me to get in that 30 minute workout is actually about 2 hours. By the time I get the boys ready, pack them in the car, drive over there, unload, check them into the nursery, go workout, pick them up, make the requisite potty stop for D, load them back in the car, drive home, and unload them once again, yeah, it's been about 2 hours. All for a 30 minute workout. Not that it isn't worth it. I'd go insane if I couldn't workout and I don't have any lofty goals this year. I just want to be in decent enough shape to finish the race in August and have some fun.

So anyway, the wheels are currently turning (pun intended, sort of). Right now I'm scouring craigslist to see not only what I can find in the way of used double joggers, but how much I might be able to get for my single. It's a top of the line, really nice stroller and it's in awesome shape. I bet I could get enough out of it to pay for a used double, especially if I "make do" (being silly there) with a lesser brand. In that case, I wouldn't actually be adding to my stroller collection, just replacing one stroller for another.

And then there's part of me that doesn't want to let go of my BOB Ironman. It's so nice and it's bright yellow! What if I need a single jogger again someday and I wish I'd never sold it? You know, when my theoretical third kid is a toddler and the other two are in school?

Have I mentioned I'm an insane overthinker? Yeah.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The little things

I took the boys to the gym earlier, got in a 2 mile run, came home, made lunch, put G down for his nap, put D in his room for quiet time (including setting his timer, which amazingly enough is actually still working!).

And then... (drum roll please)

I was able to get dinner in the crockpot, take a shower, dry off completely and get dressed.

But wait, there's more!

I then put my hair up (I'm in ponytail land these days since I'm in such desperate need of a haircut), put on makeup, checked my email, checked my message board, and am now writing this post.

D is playing in his room, G is still sleeping and I am getting an honest to goodness break that is actually long enough for me to accomplish a few things. I'm sure G will wake up any second, and D's timer is also about to go off, but I feel like I can tackle the afternoon with a renewed sense of energy.

I tell you, it's the little things that can really make or break your day.

Monday, March 10, 2008

I've come to the conclusion

I've come to the conclusion that my body does not want to shed the last of the baby weight. I think it has to do with nursing. Maybe this sounds crazy, or like an excuse, but honestly it isn't. I've lost all but about 15lbs of the baby weight I gained with G (which was over 50lbs - bleh). A lot of it came off easliy, then more came off with some work. Now I've been busting my butt to lose the last of it and I can't seem to lose another pound. I think my body wants to hold onto this last bit of weight while I'm nursing - just in case weight, I guess.

I started keeping a food log and keeping my caloric intake at about 1900-2000 calories per day. When I lost weight before my second pregnancy, I did the same thing, only I was eating less - about 1650 calories per day. I don't feel comfortable going that low now, but I figured I would be able to lose the last of the weight if I really stuck with the 1900-2000. I guess not. It isn't that I've been at it for months and months, but I expected to see some results, whether on the scale, how I look, or how my clothes fit. But nothing.

So I've decided I'm scrapping the food log and hopefully my semi-obsession with losing weight. I'm really sick of being on the scale-coaster, but there seems little help for it for now. However, I've accepted that at best the scale will inch downward a little until I stop nursing. And I have no clue when that will be. I have no specific plans to stop nursing at any point. I doubt I'll be nursing him when he's two, but I won't stop when he turns one - and you never know anyway. But maybe when he's a bit older and nursing less, the weight will come off more easily. I guess we'll see.

I'm frustrated that my cute summer clothes from two years ago don't fit. And, being the planner/overthinker that I am, I can't help but dread the inevitable trip up the scale again if we have another baby. And in a way, that makes me a bit less motivated to really drop the pounds now. If I'm just going to gain weight again, why bust my ass to lose it now? But then again, I'd like to be thinner when I get pregnant the next time...

So I don't know. For now, I'm going to eat well, keep working on reducing the amount of processed/refined foods we all eat, watch my carb intake and train for my triathlon. If that doesn't take the weight off, so be it. I don't hate the way I look right now anyway. My biggest whine is that I have cute clothes that don't fit, but that isn't the end of the world. I have too many other things going on to focus so much energy on weight loss. And I'm sick of it anyway.

I have to admit, it almost makes me want to give in to my husband's desire to have baby #3 sooner rather than later, just so I can get the babymaking stuff over with and get my body back in shape for good.

But then again, three little kids... yikes.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Quiet time dilemma

When D stopped napping sometime late last summer (or early fall?), I thought I was pretty cool by instituting "quiet time". It happened rather naturally, and at first I thought it was going to be easy to keep going. Some days he'd nap, and other days he wouldn't; so on the days he didn't, I left him in his room to play for an hour or so. That just naturally shifted into quiet time each day, as he napped less and less. For a while, it was easy. He'd go in without much protest, stay in his room for a good while and play more or less quietly.

Then it occurred to him that he could leave his room.

Ever since then I've waged an ongoing battle to preserve quiet time. I've tried lots of things with varying degrees of success. For a while if he cooperated with quiet time it meant we'd go out and ride his big wheel afterwards (but wouldn't if he didn't). Then the weather got bad and that died out. We've done other rewards, sticker charts, time outs, etc. Sometimes quiet time goes ok for a while. But sooner or later, I'm back to fighting with him over it.

He whines about it after lunch ("I don't want quiet time today!"), he resists going upstairs, he comes up with a million reasons to stall ("I need all my books on my bed... I need a drink of water..."). Once he's in there he'll often resort to yelling for me, then crying when I don't come. If I do go in, he asks for one thing after another until I pry myself away again. He'll come out of his room repeatedly ("I need to give you hugs!"), or lie in his doorway with his door open and cries. He'll lie on the floor of his room and kick his door or kick the wall, waking up his brother in the process.

For a while now I've been debating whether quiet time is worth the trouble anymore. The problem is, I can't help but feel like he and I are locked in this battle of wills and I MUST win; like if I don't win, he's going to learn a big lesson in "if I'm super duper stubborn, eventually things go my way". He's so like his father...

Last week I decided to resurrect the sticker chart, which worked so well with pottying. It half worked, I'd say. He had a couple decent quiet times and a couple not so decent ones too. He did a lot of things like coming out of his room after 2 minutes saying he had to go potty, but asking, "Is quiet time all done?" over and over until I ushered him back to his room. And then the shenanegins really got going - the yelling, kicking the door, etc.

I guess I'm at the point where I want to give up on it, but I'm afraid to let him win. Perhaps I'm overthinking it (ok, I'm certainly overthinking it), but I worry that he's going to become that much more stubborn and persistent towards me if I do away with quiet time.

Plus, if I'm really honest with myself, I was pretty pleased with myself for making the transition from naps to quiet time at first and I felt a little smug about it. I doubt (hope?) that I ever said something to anyone that made that too apparent. It isn't as if I've been boasting about my spectacular parenting skills to other moms. Hey, look at how great I'm doing, I get my three year old to have quiet time in his room every day... But still, I think I expected that if I just make it routine, it would work and give me at least a small break everyday.

The truth is, and I had to explain this to my husband like three times, as things are, I don't get a break. He doesn't stay quietly in his room and leave me be while G takes his afternoon nap. I end up spending most of the time shooing him back to his room, or trying to get him to be quieter, etc. It's stressful and annoying.

On the other hand, I think (in theory at least) quiet time is a good idea. I think he still needs some downtime. I'm just not sure how to make it happen. As things are, it isn't working very well.

I'm still not sure of the best thing to do. Today, I didn't do quiet time. He watched a movie while I put G to bed and showered and now he's playing with play dough. I don't want to fall into the habit of letting him watch a movie every afternoon; I feel like I let him watch too much TV as it is. But I need to figure out a way to keep him occupied while I get a few things done. You know, shower off my workout sweat so I don't stink, have a bite of lunch, check my email and message board... The essentials ;).