Thursday, March 27, 2008

Weight ramblings

I'm struggling right now with a mix of emotions and thoughts about my weight. I started the year determined to lose the last of the baby weight by G's birthday in May. I had about 15lbs left to lose to get me close enough to my pre-pg weight (especially accounting for my enormous BFing boobs) and figured I'd be able to shed it with my regular workout schedule and a little more attention to my diet. Not so much. My body does not seem to want to shed this last weight, and I highly suspect it's due to nursing. So I'm trying to be ok with holding onto this weight until G is done with the boobies.

Emphasis on the word "trying".

It isn't that I'm extremely overweight. I've been quite a bit heavier before. I don't look terrible. But still. I can't help but feel discouraged. I'm so sick and tired of thinking about my weight and what I eat. I wonder if this semi-preoccupation with sugar, carbs and fat is ever going to go away. Will I ever be able to let my guard down and just eat like a normal person?

I got pregnant with G literally two weeks after completing the Danskin Triathlon. I was in the best shape I've ever been in, and was at a healthy 132lbs. I felt great, I looked great - good stuff. But going from that to pregnant so quickly was more difficult than I'd imagined it would be. Suddenly my strong body was tired. I felt the tugs, pulls and cramps of early pregnancy and I certainly couldn't keep up with my former workout schedule. The progress I'd worked so hard to attain slowly but surely melted away as my belly grew.

Not that it wasn't worth it! The fact that we got pregnant so quickly the second time around is still a little unbelievable to me, almost a year later. And I couldn't possibly love G more. But taken in and of itself, my experience with losing weight and getting in shape only to lose it all during my pregnancy has been really disheartening. Despite staying active throughout my pregnancy and trying to eat well, I still gained over 50lbs. At this point I assume that's just how my body does pregnancy; I certainly treated it differently each time, but gained too much weight no matter what I did.

I struggle between feelings of not wanting to bother to lose anymore weight, since I know I'm going to get pregnant again and not wanting to get pregnant again at this weight. My second pregnancy was certainly more comfortable than my first, and at least part of that can be attributed to my weight. Plus, I looked a heck of a lot cuter when pregnant with G! And given my fertility issues due to PCOS, there's a threshold at which I simply won't be able to get pregnant. The last thing I want is another bout of infertility and I know being at a healthy weight will do wonders to make my ovaries behave.

But at the same time, the thought of fighting the good fight until I shed this weight, then gaining it all back again with the next baby, only to have to shed the same pounds once more is so depressing. I'm tired of feeling guilty when I eat sugar, tired of mentally calculating the caloric impact of each thing I eat, tired of screwing it up halfway through the day with a momentary lapse of willpower and giving up on the whole thing until tomorrow.

I've been trying to lose weight, or at least feeling like I should be trying to lose weight, since my late teens. For a brief moment, I was there, I had it. I was at a good weight and in good shape. I tried on clothes I'd been saving for years and not only did they fit, they were too big; I liked the way I looked in pictures and didn't do a double take when I caught my reflection, wondering who that chubby girl was. And in a moment, it was gone. Now I'm back somewhere in the midst of the swamps of sadness (remember the Neverending Story? good flick!), slogging through the mud once again. And with the prospect of another baby in my future at some point, I'm going to have to slog through it all over again, no matter what I do now.

And to make things worse, I'm annoyed with myself for caring. I'm annoyed that I can't do what I keep telling people I'm doing and letting it go, not worrying about the weight while I'm nursing and trusting that I'll be able to lose it fairly quickly once we're done. I wish I could just accept how I look right now, not worry too much about whether the weight comes off now or later and accept the fact that it's going to be a while before my babymaking and nursing days are over for good. I need to stop looking ahead so far because one day I'm going to wake up and realize my kids aren't babies anymore and there aren't any more babies for us to have.

I do, however, have a more practical consideration with regards to my weight - whether or not I'll be able to stuff myself into my wetsuit for my tri in August! YIKES!


Mandy said...

Please try not to be annoyed with yourself for caring. It's totally understandable - you've seen your body in rocking shape and you want that back. I totally get it.

I know you don't want to hear me remind you that often they say it takes a year to get your body back to prebaby shape and he's not a year old yet. Nor do you really want me to remind you that yes, family history pretty much indicates that your body wants that fat reserve for nursing.

So, instead I will offer this. Is it possible you are eating too little? That maybe you are focusing on losing the weight and your body is saying "Wait a minute, I NEED this to be able to make milk, so I'm going to hold onto a nice little store instead?"

Just a thought.

I know how hard you worked for that body. I watched in awe and was so proud of you for all you accomplished, and I would love for you to be able to be just as proud of where you are now. Because, honestly, another way of looking at the frustration of being so close but not quite there - is the fact you ARE SO CLOSE, despite your son not being a year yet, despite all you went through with being pregnant, trying to get back in shape with TWO kids, with still nursing...seriously sister, you have much to be proud of.

I am not trying to say don't be disappointed, because I know it's driving you nuts to be so close. I wish I had an easy answer, but my first instinct is to suggest that maybe the answer lies in not that you're eating too much, but maybe your body has gone into "I'm holding onto this" mode.

Can you add some food that isn't esp high in fat or carbs (think extra servings of fruits, veggies, lean protein) and see what happens? maybe for a week?

Claire said...

I doubt eating too little is the problem, honestly. Especially lately, LOL! I think I've semi-consciously gone too far the other way and have been eating too much (hence the scale has creeped up a little recently). I've almost been feeling like "Fine, if I can't lose no matter what I eat, I'll just eat whatever." Of course, that doesn't help either, and eating too much (especially too much junk) is setting me backwards. But even before, when I decided to make a full-on effort to lose weight, I was eating quite a bit; a good 2000 calories a day. Even with nursing that should be plenty.

Thanks though. It is great that I am so close, despite it being simultaneously frustrating.

Mandy said...

Big hugs sweetie. I know you'll get there.

BTW, did you know there are people who will go to the lengths of going to a site that hides their IP address when they visit other sites? How lame is THAT?

I suppose they don't know there are ways to see around that. Losers.

Claire said...

Mandy - yeah, I've seen sites that hide your IP. I guess I don't quite get why people feel the need to go to such lengths.

What can I say, you're a rockstar. The paparazzi must be outside your door all the time to get a glimpse into your oh-so-interesting life ;).