Our Easter gathering left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It's a long story, but heck, I'm long winded, so what's new?
The first thing that got me was my sister. She's 20, lives about 4 hours from me (in the same college town where I lived during that time in my life, although she currently isn't enrolled in school), and I almost never see or talk to her. I saw her at Christmas, but haven't talked to her since. Being 10 years younger, we didn't really grow up together and she's spent a lot of energy trying to not be me; in other words, we're not close and she's about as different from me as she can manage.
We were late going to my mom's for dinner because we were waiting for G to wake up from his nap. My mom called me at one point to ask when we'd be there and told me my sis was there but "just stopping by on her way out of town". So on Easter Sunday she's going to "stop by", but not stay for dinner? Turns out she's driving to California with a friend (has no money, but that's a whole other story) and the decided they could stop and say hi. Oh how nice of you (can you tell I'm being sarcastic?) Anyway, my mom wanted to make sure we'd be there in time to catch my sister before they had to go. Because, you know, road tripping with your friend must be far more important than spending any time with your family who you never see on one of the most important holidays of the year.
She was still there when we showed up, but getting ready to leave. She looked awful; I swear, she doesn't eat. I don't know if she has a problem with eating or if she's just poor and doesn't spend a lot of money on food. She doesn't exactly look anorexic, but she's way too skinny. After a few hi's and hugs for my boys, she pretty much left. Nice seeing you sis.
Then, my brother. Oh, my brother... He's 27 and has been in the most lame relationship for the last three years. The other day he told my husband that they broke up. Woo hoo! We were all excited because finally he'd quit wasting his life on this girl. She's ok, not the worst person ever or something. But she's so not good for him and he's been wasting his time with her when two years ago he told me he knew their relationship wasn't going to last. I think he doesn't have the heart to break hers, so he's stayed with her. I can't blame it all on her, obviously, but his health has gone downhill since he's been with her and he just doesn't seem like himself. Not to mention, they have absolutely ZERO chemistry. If you didn't know them and saw them together you'd have no clue that they've been in a relationship for three years. They act like strangers.
Anyway, he said they weren't together and he said something to me about "just getting out of a three year relationship." But she showed up for Easter dinner at my moms. I don't know why, but that really took the wind out of my sails. Between my lame-ass anorexic looking sister (with way too much eye makeup to boot), and my brother who apparently can't seem to get himself out of a dead end relationship, I'm just bummed.
I wish I had a better relationship with my sister and I sure hope my brother cuts the ties with this girl and finally moves on. I think the latter is more likely than the former. But I guess like many things in life, we'll just have to see.
Doesn't help my mood that I know the PERFECT girl for my brother and I think she's kind of interested. Grrrrr!
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It's so hard to watch siblings, who you love immensely, make mistakes that are obvious to an observer. At the end of the day, we want the best for them and we want to have a great relationship with them....preferably without that voice in our heads screaming to them "what the hell are you doing?"
The thing I have learned, though at times it is still extremely difficult, is that we cannot take their lessons away from them. As much as we want to help them avoid pain and stupidity, it's their path to get through it and then say "oh hell, that was DUMB." Nobody learned ours for us, and while we can say "I wish someone had stopped me" about certain things, it's possibly nobody could have.
It's not any easier, knowing that.
With your sister, as irritating as it is, she's at that age where she knows everything and she's too busy for those who don't. I've seen that with my own sister at times. I've found positive reinforcement works well for toddlers, men and siblings. SSSH! Don't tell anyone. ;)
Same thing for your brother in a way- only it sounds like somewhere along the way he decided he not only didn't want to hurt this woman, but maybe even that he could do better. Maybe some good old fashioned positive reinforcement and perhaps a get together where he and the friend are both invited. Then again, he seems at least to be the sibling most likely to respond to a more direct - "I love you, what are you doing" conversation.
((HUGS)) I know a lot of your frustration boils down to caring and wanting the best for them.If you're as much like me as I think you are, then your reaction to that sentence is probably "and damn it why don't they want it too???"
PS eventually your sister will see (if she doesn't already) that being like you isn't such a bad thing after all. It's rebellion, plain and simple
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