Saturday, October 4, 2008

The verdict

I went to the pharmacy today.

I figured out that if I went off BCPs now, had a reasonably normal cycle in that I ovulated somewhere around day 14 and actually got pregnant, despite the "not trying, not preventing" status we would have given ourselves, I'd be due in early July. If I'm going to stop birth control, I have to be prepared for that possibility, even with PCOS. After all, I have a 16 month old that did not take ages to conceive and there have been many times I've told people, "You really need to wait to try until you're truly ready, because you just never know!" Although I don't know what to expect when I hop on the TTC train yet again, I do know that I have to be prepared for one of three possibilities: one, that it will happen right away; two, that it will take a bit of time but not long enough to worry over; and three, that it will take forever and we'll be faced with a lot of big questions as to what to do. But it's the first possibility that concerns me right now.

In any case, I thought about the idea of having a baby next July. I wasn't so crazy about that idea. Right smack in the middle of the summer, when things are a little chaotic and our routine is flimsy; right about the time my family is planning a big vacation. I'm not ready for that, so to throw caution to the wind would end up being more of a stress for me than anything else.

It seems sort of silly that the difference of two or three months seems so significant to me, but it really does. The thought of having a baby in September versus July is a whole different thing. September, I can handle. It's about as soon as I can imagine it being ok, about the soonest I can imagine being prepared. Anything sooner feels well... too soon. Even the difference between being due in August and being due in September seems like a big deal. I don't know if I can even explain why, at least not in a way that anyone else might understand. It just doesn't feel right.

So there you have it. I picked up two more packs of BCPs and I guess the plan is to take those, then punch my ticket and board the train. Now, my feelings on opening that can of worms... that's another post entirely. For now I'm just praying that the roller coaster is small and short and I'm able to handle it with a bit of grace.

I feel better now that I have a plan. Of course, I've said it before - how do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.


akhoosier said...

Hi Claire!

When i finally figured out I'd have to use Clomid to get pg when Em was 4, I decided to wait a few more months because my family also had a huge vacation planned to Disney World. So, it turned out that I was 28 weeks pregnant when we went. Big Mistake! I was MISERABLE! I wish we would have planned the vacation better. But, I ddn't realize I'd be so miserable!

What I'm getting at is that I totally understand where you're coming from!!! :)

Mandy said...

I hope He nods in agreement at your plan. ;) What you've said makes sense to me. Regardless of the reasons for why a few months makes a difference, it does to you...and I think it's important to listen to that.