Sunday, June 28, 2009

Thirty-something weeks

Last Wednesday, I hit 30 weeks. Just 10 short weeks until my due date, and possibly a bit less until this little one actually makes her arrival. The boys were both born before their due dates, which leads me to believe she'll probably be about a week early. Like I've been telling people though, I've said that so many times she'll probably decide she needs to prove me wrong and come in September after all. Only time will tell on that one.

I alternate between feeling a lot of excitement and anticipation at her impending arrival, and a sense of fear at what it will be like to have a newborn to care for once again. My husband and I aren't crazy about the newborn phase. The constant care, the crying, the not sleeping... breasts hurting and what is probably an inevitable bout of mastitis... not sleeping... Newborns are amazingly wonderful in their smallness, sweetness and softness. They're so helpless and so compelling. And so much work. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried that caring for a newborn while simultaneously caring for my two boys (particularly G who is such a handful) is going to do me in. But at the same time, I'm growing more curious by the day as to what she'll look like, how big she'll be, what pieces of her personality will show. And, yes, waiting anxiously for that ultimate confirmation that I am truly having a daughter and the small, but growing pile of pink and lavendar clothes won't all need to be returned to the store.

I'm doing my best to enjoy the last couple months of what should be my last pregnancy. I'm uncomfortable a lot - I don't remember my pelvis aching so much before. But in spite of that, there are so many amazing things about being pregnant. Feeling the baby move is absolutely one of the most incredible sensations - and this little one gives me plenty of opportunities to enjoy it. She's so active, there are times that I am amazed by her strength. And I often find myself wondering what her belly-antics mean about who she is.

I am, however, more than at peace with this being my last foray into motherhood. I have so many feelings swirling around - happy that this experience is nearing the end, nervous about the next chapter, nostalgic for the enjoyable parts of pregnancy knowing this is the last time, and above all, so grateful and amazed at how blessed we are.

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