We have four bedrooms in our house, but a while back we decided that our two boys would share a room and the baby would get the room G is in now. The boys' room, as it would become, started out as D's room and it is HUGE. G's room is probably half the size. In any case, it seemed to fit well that the boys could share the big bedroom and our baby girl could have the small bedroom. One of the other bedrooms is obviously ours, and the final one is currently occupied by my sister-in-law, and once she moves out (someday, but not anytime soon) it will be a guest room/office (which is what it was before she lived here).
So... the plan originally was to wait until G was ready for a big boy bed to move him out of his room. He has a crib in his room and this crib will definitely not survive being taken apart and moved again. It's in good condition and perfectly safe, but it doesn't fit through the doorway unless you take it partially apart, and I remember when we moved it from D's room to G's, we decided we would not be taking it apart again - it would have to live in that room for the duration of its useful life or we'd risk stripping the screw holes.
Lately I've been thinking about whether we should get a second crib and move G into D's room sooner rather than later - and not make it about the big boy bed (there's a set of bunk beds in there now). We were just on vacation and the room we were in had a queen for us and a twin with a trundle bed. The first night DH was all about the idea of trying G out on the twin trundle, thinking if he slept fine there all week, we could transition him to the big boy bed at home. His sleep on that bed was anything but fine. The poor guy was so restless and didn't sleep well at all. The next night we put him in the pack-n-play we brought with us and he slept like a rock the rest of the week - naps and at night. Clearly he still needs the security of a crib.
This led me to the idea of getting the second crib, although I definitely didn't want to invest much money, since he won't be in a crib *that* much longer. So I got a really basic one from Ikea and my best friend still had her crib mattress, which kept the cost very reasonable. I picked it up today and we (and by we, I mean mostly my friend) but the crib together and G is sleeping in it as I type.
On one hand, I'm relieved we did it this way. Now there is no pressure to move G to a big boy bed or to free up his room. He'll be plenty used to sleeping in his new digs by the time baby arrives, so the change won't go hand-in-hand with new baby sister. I can start moving stuff out of his room and start organizing the new baby's stuff, something I've been dying to do lately. We can do bedtime with the boys together much more easily, in turn making it easier for one person to put both boys to bed, something that will come in handy when we have a newborn to care for soon. And we'll be able to put the baby in her room whenever we want. Both boys slept in our room for a while, so we didn't *have* to move G yet. But now we have the flexibility to use that room for the baby at any point, rather than it being a big hassle to move G out and all that.
On the other hand... its been an emotional night for me. This makes it feel about 1000 times more real that we are bringing home a third child soon. We've talked for months about how the boys will eventually share a room, and now here we are. And I have this touch of guilt that the room now looks like D's room with a random crib on one wall - not like THEIR room. Obviously that's completely my issue, as my 2-year old couldn't care less. Luckily DH was with me on this (the concept, if not the guilt), and we're going to do a few things to rearrange and decorate that will incorporate some of what is now in G's room into the new space, making it more their room.
A lot of changes going on in my house lately. And more to come...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Nesting, foiled
I thought I read somewhere that the nesting urge is usually accompanied by a burst of energy - in other words, you get real motivated to clean and organize and you find yourself with the energy to do so. My body apparently didn't get that memo.
Right now I would give just about anything for an organized pantry. We have this amazing pantry that is literally a small room. But we're not using the space well; only one wall has shelves on it and the rest tends to get piled with random crap. It's a mess right now and has been for months. Also for months I've been talking about putting in more shelves, but I guess I keep finding reasons to not spend the money. As of right now, I don't give a crap how much it costs, I just want more shelves in there so I can clean it up and organize things. Seriously, this urge is so strong it's killing me that I can't do anything about it.
The problem is, I get tired so quickly the very thought of going to Home Depot to get the shelves is exhausting - let alone putting them up and doing all the work to reorganize. I asked my husband this afternoon if he'd go get the shelves with me and install them. He wasn't particularly interested in indulging my nesting urge. If I had pressed the issue, he probably would have given in eventually, but he'd have been grumpy about it, so I left it alone.
Tonight I tried, rather unsuccessfully, to explain to him why this whole thing is so distressing to me. I don't think he understands at all. Not that I blame him, really - it doesn't make a whole lot of sense that the unorganized pantry would be the cause of my tearful breakdown after we'd put the boys to bed. The problem is, my anxiety right now isn't about the pantry, or the mess of toys in the family room, or the once again dirty kitchen that I just cleaned up, or even the fact that I could vacuum the damn floor eight times a day and it would always be dirty.
I feel out of control, unorganized and helpless to do much of anything about it. The pantry is my glaring example and the current focus of my distress. It's a mess, there's stuff in there that needs to be thrown out, other stuff that needs a place, and so much potential to be a great storage area. I was feeling super motivated to fix the problem, but I'm not physically able to do it. I can't lift heavy stuff, and probably more importantly, I don't have the stamina. I get winded walking up the stairs, I had to sit down for 10 minutes after I did the dishes this afternoon and if I'm not careful I'll either give myself a fit of braxton hicks contractions or a serious backache, or both.
And as willing as my husband is to help, he doesn't get it. He keeps asking me what he can do, what I need, how he can fix it. Um, put up shelves in the pantry? But besides that, I do need him to help me more. Part of my anxiety is the fact that I physically can't keep up with everything right now without overdoing it, yet I have a hard time delegating tasks to him. Part of it is definitely my issue, but I have to say, part of it is him. He tends to forget to do things I've asked him to do, which makes me feel like I have to ask and remind 20 times, and then I really feel like a nagging wife. I also hate the inevitable sob story about how he so didn't want to do the dishes last night, but he made himself get it done because he knew he needed to, blah, blah, blah. I end up feeling guilty for asking him to help around the house - again, partly my issue, I know.
The bottom line is, my house is a disorganized mess and I don't have the energy to do everything that needs to be done. And I hate that. My desire to fix the pantry is so strong, but I can't do it, and lacking a house boy who will do my bidding without complaint, I'm sort of stuck. I hate the idea of sitting around issuing orders along the lines of put this here, put that there, this needs to be done, now that needs to be done... But to get things the way I would have them right now, had I the energy, that's exactly what I would have to do, and it isn't going to happen. Once I start listing things I need my husband to do, I have until about item three before his eyes glaze over and I know I've lost him.
He keeps reminding me this is only temporary, and probably the last time I'll be pregnant, so on and so forth. Of course, he's right. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm a raging mess of hormones who can't breathe deeply and wants a clean and organized house more than he could possibly imagine.
I hate feeling helpless.
Right now I would give just about anything for an organized pantry. We have this amazing pantry that is literally a small room. But we're not using the space well; only one wall has shelves on it and the rest tends to get piled with random crap. It's a mess right now and has been for months. Also for months I've been talking about putting in more shelves, but I guess I keep finding reasons to not spend the money. As of right now, I don't give a crap how much it costs, I just want more shelves in there so I can clean it up and organize things. Seriously, this urge is so strong it's killing me that I can't do anything about it.
The problem is, I get tired so quickly the very thought of going to Home Depot to get the shelves is exhausting - let alone putting them up and doing all the work to reorganize. I asked my husband this afternoon if he'd go get the shelves with me and install them. He wasn't particularly interested in indulging my nesting urge. If I had pressed the issue, he probably would have given in eventually, but he'd have been grumpy about it, so I left it alone.
Tonight I tried, rather unsuccessfully, to explain to him why this whole thing is so distressing to me. I don't think he understands at all. Not that I blame him, really - it doesn't make a whole lot of sense that the unorganized pantry would be the cause of my tearful breakdown after we'd put the boys to bed. The problem is, my anxiety right now isn't about the pantry, or the mess of toys in the family room, or the once again dirty kitchen that I just cleaned up, or even the fact that I could vacuum the damn floor eight times a day and it would always be dirty.
I feel out of control, unorganized and helpless to do much of anything about it. The pantry is my glaring example and the current focus of my distress. It's a mess, there's stuff in there that needs to be thrown out, other stuff that needs a place, and so much potential to be a great storage area. I was feeling super motivated to fix the problem, but I'm not physically able to do it. I can't lift heavy stuff, and probably more importantly, I don't have the stamina. I get winded walking up the stairs, I had to sit down for 10 minutes after I did the dishes this afternoon and if I'm not careful I'll either give myself a fit of braxton hicks contractions or a serious backache, or both.
And as willing as my husband is to help, he doesn't get it. He keeps asking me what he can do, what I need, how he can fix it. Um, put up shelves in the pantry? But besides that, I do need him to help me more. Part of my anxiety is the fact that I physically can't keep up with everything right now without overdoing it, yet I have a hard time delegating tasks to him. Part of it is definitely my issue, but I have to say, part of it is him. He tends to forget to do things I've asked him to do, which makes me feel like I have to ask and remind 20 times, and then I really feel like a nagging wife. I also hate the inevitable sob story about how he so didn't want to do the dishes last night, but he made himself get it done because he knew he needed to, blah, blah, blah. I end up feeling guilty for asking him to help around the house - again, partly my issue, I know.
The bottom line is, my house is a disorganized mess and I don't have the energy to do everything that needs to be done. And I hate that. My desire to fix the pantry is so strong, but I can't do it, and lacking a house boy who will do my bidding without complaint, I'm sort of stuck. I hate the idea of sitting around issuing orders along the lines of put this here, put that there, this needs to be done, now that needs to be done... But to get things the way I would have them right now, had I the energy, that's exactly what I would have to do, and it isn't going to happen. Once I start listing things I need my husband to do, I have until about item three before his eyes glaze over and I know I've lost him.
He keeps reminding me this is only temporary, and probably the last time I'll be pregnant, so on and so forth. Of course, he's right. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm a raging mess of hormones who can't breathe deeply and wants a clean and organized house more than he could possibly imagine.
I hate feeling helpless.
A little worry - but probably not
I have this little worry in the back of my head that I'm on the verge of unexpected pregnancy complications and it's going to result in needing to try to deliver this baby early. Why? Probably mostly because I'm hormonal and achey. But my blood pressure was a little higher than it usually is at my last appointment - not high, per se. But it has been very consistent at every appointment, and last week it was a little higher. Neither the nurse nor my OB even mentioned it, but the number stuck in my head and made me wonder. I did have high BP with my first, and it got pretty bad at the end. All was well, but I did have my labor augmented with pitocin, and let me tell you, me and pit do not get along so well. I'm very motivated to keep that from happening again, if I can.
There was also a bit of sugar in my urine, so she tested my blood sugar and it was 120. That isn't high per se, and both the nurse and my OB seemed to dismiss it as an issue. But all I'd eaten that morning was a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk and I was getting hungry again - so to me, I can't help but wonder if under those circumstances 120 was higher than it ought to be. Then again, maybe I run higher than one would expect for a bit before my blood sugar drops off again. I did fail the 1 hour GTT, and that is probably why - at one hour, it was higher than they'd like it to be, but when I took the 3 hour, my 2 and 3 hour readings especially were great.
I'm overthinking things, I'm sure. I'm just hoping that things continue to go smoothly and I'm not blindsided by a random complication like high BP or (God forbid), preecclampsia - especially if that means we have to try to induce early and I end up with a baby who wasn't quite ready to come out, or a c-section, or both.
Truthfully, I'm hoping that if I write this down I will somehow bend the tides of fate and by predicting that something is about to go wrong, I will prove myself wrong and everything will go fine. Like if I predict it, it therefore cannot happen. Nice logic, huh?
There was also a bit of sugar in my urine, so she tested my blood sugar and it was 120. That isn't high per se, and both the nurse and my OB seemed to dismiss it as an issue. But all I'd eaten that morning was a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk and I was getting hungry again - so to me, I can't help but wonder if under those circumstances 120 was higher than it ought to be. Then again, maybe I run higher than one would expect for a bit before my blood sugar drops off again. I did fail the 1 hour GTT, and that is probably why - at one hour, it was higher than they'd like it to be, but when I took the 3 hour, my 2 and 3 hour readings especially were great.
I'm overthinking things, I'm sure. I'm just hoping that things continue to go smoothly and I'm not blindsided by a random complication like high BP or (God forbid), preecclampsia - especially if that means we have to try to induce early and I end up with a baby who wasn't quite ready to come out, or a c-section, or both.
Truthfully, I'm hoping that if I write this down I will somehow bend the tides of fate and by predicting that something is about to go wrong, I will prove myself wrong and everything will go fine. Like if I predict it, it therefore cannot happen. Nice logic, huh?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Caffeine detox.. aka my head hurts
I think I have a caffeine headache - as in, lack of caffeine. I don't drink a ton of it - I'm not a regular coffee drinker or anything. But I probably have a diet coke most days, so when I go a few days without, I do get a headache.
My husband is a huge diet coke addict, but when he drinks too much of it, he gets really bad acid reflux. I wish he could just learn something about moderation and keep it to a level that doesn't hurt his stomach. But what always happens is he quits drinking it for a while because his symptoms get so bad, and eventually he'll start drinking it again but only at restaurants. Then he'll get some once in a while elsewhere, but we won't keep it around the house. Pretty soon he'll be drinking several cans/bottles a day again and it will escalate to the point that he's up half the night with horrible heartburn. Then he decides to lay off it again... rinse, repeat.
In any case, when we have it around the house, I tend to drink it too, although rarely more than once a day. But it's enough that when I stop, as I said, my head hurts. It usually doesn't bother me until about day three, and that was today I think. Last week we were on vacation and my husband did some serious damage to himself with all the diet coke he was sucking down; I think he figured it was his last hurrah before he had to cut back again. So I figured this would be as good at time as any to detox myself from caffeine as well. I couldn't drink any caffeine when I was nursing D, so I want to be prepared to cut out caffeine with this baby too, just in case. And I figure now is probably a better time to go through the withdrawl headache than when I'm sleep deprived, hormonal and caring for a newborn 24/7.
Of course, its making an already uncomfortable time all the more uncomfortable, but I'm hoping that by tomorrow or the next day my head will feel fine and all I'll have left is the back pain, the sore pelvis, the shortness of breath and fatigue. Oh, and the heartburn - can't forget the heartburn.
I'm turning into such a complainer.
My husband is a huge diet coke addict, but when he drinks too much of it, he gets really bad acid reflux. I wish he could just learn something about moderation and keep it to a level that doesn't hurt his stomach. But what always happens is he quits drinking it for a while because his symptoms get so bad, and eventually he'll start drinking it again but only at restaurants. Then he'll get some once in a while elsewhere, but we won't keep it around the house. Pretty soon he'll be drinking several cans/bottles a day again and it will escalate to the point that he's up half the night with horrible heartburn. Then he decides to lay off it again... rinse, repeat.
In any case, when we have it around the house, I tend to drink it too, although rarely more than once a day. But it's enough that when I stop, as I said, my head hurts. It usually doesn't bother me until about day three, and that was today I think. Last week we were on vacation and my husband did some serious damage to himself with all the diet coke he was sucking down; I think he figured it was his last hurrah before he had to cut back again. So I figured this would be as good at time as any to detox myself from caffeine as well. I couldn't drink any caffeine when I was nursing D, so I want to be prepared to cut out caffeine with this baby too, just in case. And I figure now is probably a better time to go through the withdrawl headache than when I'm sleep deprived, hormonal and caring for a newborn 24/7.
Of course, its making an already uncomfortable time all the more uncomfortable, but I'm hoping that by tomorrow or the next day my head will feel fine and all I'll have left is the back pain, the sore pelvis, the shortness of breath and fatigue. Oh, and the heartburn - can't forget the heartburn.
I'm turning into such a complainer.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Random thoughts at 35-ish weeks
I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow. We're hitting the point where it could be two more weeks (although I doubt it will be that soon), or it could be 6 more weeks (again, sort of doubt it will be quite that long, but you never know). Like I've said a million times now, my boys were 5 days and 10 days early (or 8 and 10 depending on which due date I use for D), so it is very easy to assume she'll be born about a week early. But you just never know and I want to be prepared to be pregnant longer, so I'm not too disappointed if she comes later.
However, I have to admit, it is going to feel awfully good to not be pregnant anymore. And for the record, my prediction is August 24th. Which I'm sure means it won't be that day.
Today hasn't been bad contraction-wise, but I still get a lot of them. I already feel like I've been flirting with early labor for weeks, and I have weeks left to go. You'd think this would give me a little jump start on dilation, but if this pregnancy is anything like my last two, I'll be closed up tight until the last minute despite my uterus's love affair with a certain braxton hicks.
If it weren't for my house being air conditioned, I think I would die. It was darn near 100 today, if not slightly above. That is seriously hot, especially when you don't have a lake to jump in like we did in Chelan last week. It was this hot there, but there's something about being on vacation and having a pool and a nice clear lake to swim in that makes such high heat a lot more bearable - fun, even.
I'm down to weekly doctor appointments now. I have the next 5 scheduled, but I'm hoping I only make it to the next four. Either tomorrow or next week he'll be doing a quick ultrasound to check to make sure she's head down and growing like she should be. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it - I'm fully entrenched in the daughter mentality, if there's actually a penis it's going to seriously freak me out. I guess I'm still feeling like it's too good to be true. I've been brave enough to start putting clothes away, but I haven't taken any tags off, nor washed anything, and the receipts are all still there. I do hope we get another good look so maybe I can let go of that last little bit of "what if" anxiety. I tell ya, I'm going to laugh at myself about this later.
I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't getting nervous about having a newborn again. Getting? Maybe I have been all along, to some degree.
Counting down the weeks and they're flying by....
However, I have to admit, it is going to feel awfully good to not be pregnant anymore. And for the record, my prediction is August 24th. Which I'm sure means it won't be that day.
Today hasn't been bad contraction-wise, but I still get a lot of them. I already feel like I've been flirting with early labor for weeks, and I have weeks left to go. You'd think this would give me a little jump start on dilation, but if this pregnancy is anything like my last two, I'll be closed up tight until the last minute despite my uterus's love affair with a certain braxton hicks.
If it weren't for my house being air conditioned, I think I would die. It was darn near 100 today, if not slightly above. That is seriously hot, especially when you don't have a lake to jump in like we did in Chelan last week. It was this hot there, but there's something about being on vacation and having a pool and a nice clear lake to swim in that makes such high heat a lot more bearable - fun, even.
I'm down to weekly doctor appointments now. I have the next 5 scheduled, but I'm hoping I only make it to the next four. Either tomorrow or next week he'll be doing a quick ultrasound to check to make sure she's head down and growing like she should be. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it - I'm fully entrenched in the daughter mentality, if there's actually a penis it's going to seriously freak me out. I guess I'm still feeling like it's too good to be true. I've been brave enough to start putting clothes away, but I haven't taken any tags off, nor washed anything, and the receipts are all still there. I do hope we get another good look so maybe I can let go of that last little bit of "what if" anxiety. I tell ya, I'm going to laugh at myself about this later.
I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't getting nervous about having a newborn again. Getting? Maybe I have been all along, to some degree.
Counting down the weeks and they're flying by....
Monday, July 13, 2009
Random thoughts
I'll be 33 weeks in a couple of days. As far as stuff goes, I'm feeling pretty prepared. I got a great set of hand-me-downs from a friend - seriously some of the best hand-me-down baby stuff I've ever seen! I always had a lot of stuff for the boys from another friend, but by the time it got to me it had been through her two boys and their cousin, so a lot of it was really worn. This stuff is all practically brand new, and most of it Gymboree. Can't complain about that! So even though I'm starting from scratch in the clothes department, between the handful of things I've picked up and the stuff my friend gave me, I'm more or less set.
As far as having the baby goes, I suppose I'm as prepared as I'll ever be. I know it's going to be challenging having a newborn again, especially with the boys. D will be helpful for the most part, and he's largely self-sufficient (four is a great age), but G is still firmly entrenched in the terrible twos and I don't expect him to emerge anytime soon. It's going to be busy, tiring and sometimes downright overwhelming, I'm sure. But I know the newborn stage won't last forever and we'll all come out ok on the other side. I'm going to need reminding of that now and then...
I saw my grandmother yesterday, which was nice. Like most people, she asked about names, and although we actually think we know what we're naming her (not 100% sure), we're not telling and I've been deflecting the question lately by saying we simply haven't decided and then changing the subject. Partly I want it to be something of a surprise and partly I just don't feel like discussing our name choices. In any case, she brought it up and I could tell she did so because she'd heard one of the names we're considering and felt she needed to tell me that her neice, my dad's cousin, has a daughter with that name. And she phrased it with, "But there's already one in the family." So? I honestly don't know if I've ever met my dad's cousin in my entire life. Maybe once - I remember meeting her sister, but I'm not sure if she was there at the time. I know who she is, I know her parents fairly well, but she's not what I would consider close family by any stretch. Anyway, I just thought it was weird that my grandma figured we'd throw out a name just because some obscure family member who we never see used it. I seriously couldn't care less what my dad's cousin's kids are named, but I didn't want to sound too harsh about it. See, this is why I don't want to discuss names with others - I so don't want all the opinions and "I knew someone with that name and they were such a bitch..." and "But so and so's cousin's sister's former roommate named her kid that..." Blah, blah, blah. Like I care.
Horomonal much? Sorry.
With just over 7 weeks to go, I'm wondering more and more what this baby looks like, and I have to be honest, I'm still wondering if she's really a girl. The little nugget of doubt in my mind is so annoying, but I don't know if I'll relax about it until she's here. Maybe if we get a good look at our next ultrasound in a few weeks (my doc will do a quick one to check her position), but I know I'm going to be nervous that we'll see a penis. I am so excited at the prospect of actually having a daughter, I don't want it to be taken away from me. But I think about other things too - will she look like her brothers? Will she be darker skinned like Daddy and D, or lighter skinned like me and G? Will she also have brown eyes, like her brothers do or will she be the one to confirm hubby has a recessive gene? (He theoretically could, since both his parents are dominant/recessive, but he might be dominant/dominant, in which case any child he ever had would be brown eyed). Will she be active or mellow? Will she sleep? Oh please oh please let this one be a good sleeper....
Not much time left and with so much going on from week to week, I have a feeling the next month and a half is going to fly by as quickly as the last several months have. I'm going to be having this baby before I know it!
As far as having the baby goes, I suppose I'm as prepared as I'll ever be. I know it's going to be challenging having a newborn again, especially with the boys. D will be helpful for the most part, and he's largely self-sufficient (four is a great age), but G is still firmly entrenched in the terrible twos and I don't expect him to emerge anytime soon. It's going to be busy, tiring and sometimes downright overwhelming, I'm sure. But I know the newborn stage won't last forever and we'll all come out ok on the other side. I'm going to need reminding of that now and then...
I saw my grandmother yesterday, which was nice. Like most people, she asked about names, and although we actually think we know what we're naming her (not 100% sure), we're not telling and I've been deflecting the question lately by saying we simply haven't decided and then changing the subject. Partly I want it to be something of a surprise and partly I just don't feel like discussing our name choices. In any case, she brought it up and I could tell she did so because she'd heard one of the names we're considering and felt she needed to tell me that her neice, my dad's cousin, has a daughter with that name. And she phrased it with, "But there's already one in the family." So? I honestly don't know if I've ever met my dad's cousin in my entire life. Maybe once - I remember meeting her sister, but I'm not sure if she was there at the time. I know who she is, I know her parents fairly well, but she's not what I would consider close family by any stretch. Anyway, I just thought it was weird that my grandma figured we'd throw out a name just because some obscure family member who we never see used it. I seriously couldn't care less what my dad's cousin's kids are named, but I didn't want to sound too harsh about it. See, this is why I don't want to discuss names with others - I so don't want all the opinions and "I knew someone with that name and they were such a bitch..." and "But so and so's cousin's sister's former roommate named her kid that..." Blah, blah, blah. Like I care.
Horomonal much? Sorry.
With just over 7 weeks to go, I'm wondering more and more what this baby looks like, and I have to be honest, I'm still wondering if she's really a girl. The little nugget of doubt in my mind is so annoying, but I don't know if I'll relax about it until she's here. Maybe if we get a good look at our next ultrasound in a few weeks (my doc will do a quick one to check her position), but I know I'm going to be nervous that we'll see a penis. I am so excited at the prospect of actually having a daughter, I don't want it to be taken away from me. But I think about other things too - will she look like her brothers? Will she be darker skinned like Daddy and D, or lighter skinned like me and G? Will she also have brown eyes, like her brothers do or will she be the one to confirm hubby has a recessive gene? (He theoretically could, since both his parents are dominant/recessive, but he might be dominant/dominant, in which case any child he ever had would be brown eyed). Will she be active or mellow? Will she sleep? Oh please oh please let this one be a good sleeper....
Not much time left and with so much going on from week to week, I have a feeling the next month and a half is going to fly by as quickly as the last several months have. I'm going to be having this baby before I know it!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Difficult conversation, difficult decisions
My husband and I had a conversation tonight about the guardianship of our children should something happen to us. It's a subject I hate to even ponder (especially with my raging hormones) because the very thought... I can't bear it. But I also know that we've been terribly remiss in not making sure we have things ironed out legally, so if the unthinkable did happen, the transition would be as smooth as it could be.
For a long time we assumed that our best friends would take our kids. In many ways, they are still a great option. We're all very close, our boys adore their two boys, adore them, they live literally right next door... Lots of reasons to choose them. But we both have to admit there are a few concerns making us question whether that would be the best place for our kids - particularly concerns about the wife, L. L is certainly one of my closest friends, but in a strange sort of "you're basically my sister, so I'm stuck with you rather than having chosen you" way. I love her dearly, but there are things about her that drive me crazy and things that make me wonder what kind of a mother figure she'd be to my kids. My husband and I are both worried that our kids would grow up feeling like a burden. I don't question whether the husband, A, loves my kids - I do question whether L does. Sometimes I catch something in her tone or in her eyes that makes me feel like she thinks my boys are, I don't know... annoying, maybe. I'm worried that, if I'm not imaginging it, my kids would pick up on it and never feel truly loved, truly at home.
I'm also concerned because L has never made any attempt to hide the fact that she does not want a girl. Part of the reason they stopped at two kids was because of her reluctance to chance having a girl. I'm sure that wasn't the only reason, and probably not even the most important. But she thinks little girls are all annoying drama queens. I also happen to believe that there's a big part of her that doesn't want the pressure of being the primary role model for a same-sex child. She likes the idea of having the option of sending the kids to daddy when questions get awkward as they grow up. Being a mom has been a great growing experience for her, especially because she stays home full time, but there's still a part of her that doesn't like being the one in charge, being the place where the buck stops. If she has boys, I think she feels that more of the responsibility for how they turn out can fall on her husband's shoulders; with a girl, she'd have to take more of that responsibility on herself and that scares her.
So here I am, about to have a girl (I think), and I have to ask - if something happened to us, is the best place for my daughter with a woman who doesn't want a daughter at all? I really don't know. Perhaps she'd let go of that piece of herself and embrace my daughter whole-heartedly. She's a good person; it isn't like she's a complete selfish bitch. But still, it's a worry.
Our other obvious option is my mom and stepdad, but it's telling that when we talk about it we only refer to my mom. My stepdad is a good guy, but he's not the best at being a father. He's an awesome grandpa, but it's a lot easier to be an awesome grandpa than an active father. I think if my mom had custody of them, she would do 99% of the parenting stuff; he'd be around a little for that, but not much. Our daughter certainly wouldn't have a strong father figure in her life, whereas with our friends she would. But there's no question in my mind that all our kids would be loved and taken care of well. There are things about that possibility that aren't ideal either (their age, the length of time its been since they had kids of their own at home, the amount of time they both have to travel for work, etc.). But I also think that if we were gone, and they had our kids, they'd do everything to make it work and always make the best interests of our kids their priority.
I also need to bring up to my husband the possiblity of my brother. I'm not sure we should discount him, although he's not the obvious choice. He's single, for one thing. He won't necessarily always be single, and certainly his choice of wife could change our decision. It would be a major adjustment for him to make, going from being on his own to raising three kids. It might be too much, really. But he loves them so much and he'd be a great father to his own kids (and I hope he'll get to be someday). I'm not sure, but the thought occurred to me that he might be an option, so I'll have to see how my husband feels about it.
The hardest part is knowing that there aren't any great scenarios. None of these options are US. No one else would ever do as good of a job raising our kids as we will, because no one are us. No one else would do things exactly the way we do, or would love them they way we do. I'm literally in tears as I write this, but I'm making myself finish because I know it's something we need to figure out, something we need to face in order to do right by our kids. Obviously my greatest hope is that these decisions never, ever matter. But it would be worse to leave our kids without a firm direction if we were gone, leave it to become a potential fight between the people who think they should have them. It needs to be clear cut and in writing so we don't have to worry about what would happen if we're not there to protect them.
For a long time we assumed that our best friends would take our kids. In many ways, they are still a great option. We're all very close, our boys adore their two boys, adore them, they live literally right next door... Lots of reasons to choose them. But we both have to admit there are a few concerns making us question whether that would be the best place for our kids - particularly concerns about the wife, L. L is certainly one of my closest friends, but in a strange sort of "you're basically my sister, so I'm stuck with you rather than having chosen you" way. I love her dearly, but there are things about her that drive me crazy and things that make me wonder what kind of a mother figure she'd be to my kids. My husband and I are both worried that our kids would grow up feeling like a burden. I don't question whether the husband, A, loves my kids - I do question whether L does. Sometimes I catch something in her tone or in her eyes that makes me feel like she thinks my boys are, I don't know... annoying, maybe. I'm worried that, if I'm not imaginging it, my kids would pick up on it and never feel truly loved, truly at home.
I'm also concerned because L has never made any attempt to hide the fact that she does not want a girl. Part of the reason they stopped at two kids was because of her reluctance to chance having a girl. I'm sure that wasn't the only reason, and probably not even the most important. But she thinks little girls are all annoying drama queens. I also happen to believe that there's a big part of her that doesn't want the pressure of being the primary role model for a same-sex child. She likes the idea of having the option of sending the kids to daddy when questions get awkward as they grow up. Being a mom has been a great growing experience for her, especially because she stays home full time, but there's still a part of her that doesn't like being the one in charge, being the place where the buck stops. If she has boys, I think she feels that more of the responsibility for how they turn out can fall on her husband's shoulders; with a girl, she'd have to take more of that responsibility on herself and that scares her.
So here I am, about to have a girl (I think), and I have to ask - if something happened to us, is the best place for my daughter with a woman who doesn't want a daughter at all? I really don't know. Perhaps she'd let go of that piece of herself and embrace my daughter whole-heartedly. She's a good person; it isn't like she's a complete selfish bitch. But still, it's a worry.
Our other obvious option is my mom and stepdad, but it's telling that when we talk about it we only refer to my mom. My stepdad is a good guy, but he's not the best at being a father. He's an awesome grandpa, but it's a lot easier to be an awesome grandpa than an active father. I think if my mom had custody of them, she would do 99% of the parenting stuff; he'd be around a little for that, but not much. Our daughter certainly wouldn't have a strong father figure in her life, whereas with our friends she would. But there's no question in my mind that all our kids would be loved and taken care of well. There are things about that possibility that aren't ideal either (their age, the length of time its been since they had kids of their own at home, the amount of time they both have to travel for work, etc.). But I also think that if we were gone, and they had our kids, they'd do everything to make it work and always make the best interests of our kids their priority.
I also need to bring up to my husband the possiblity of my brother. I'm not sure we should discount him, although he's not the obvious choice. He's single, for one thing. He won't necessarily always be single, and certainly his choice of wife could change our decision. It would be a major adjustment for him to make, going from being on his own to raising three kids. It might be too much, really. But he loves them so much and he'd be a great father to his own kids (and I hope he'll get to be someday). I'm not sure, but the thought occurred to me that he might be an option, so I'll have to see how my husband feels about it.
The hardest part is knowing that there aren't any great scenarios. None of these options are US. No one else would ever do as good of a job raising our kids as we will, because no one are us. No one else would do things exactly the way we do, or would love them they way we do. I'm literally in tears as I write this, but I'm making myself finish because I know it's something we need to figure out, something we need to face in order to do right by our kids. Obviously my greatest hope is that these decisions never, ever matter. But it would be worse to leave our kids without a firm direction if we were gone, leave it to become a potential fight between the people who think they should have them. It needs to be clear cut and in writing so we don't have to worry about what would happen if we're not there to protect them.
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